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Talk:Vendetta
Rumours Section Out of interest, how're you guys liking the 'Rumours' section on this page and the Over Your Shoulder page? Do you think it's a good idea to have them for some of my other unwritten/incomplete stories? :[[User:Matoro1|'Bob']][[User talk:Matoro1|'The']][[User blog:Matoro1|'Doctor']][[w:c:custombionicle:User:Matoro1/Saga Guide|'27']] [http://bioniclereviews.wikia.com We saved the O-Zone Layer, now let's save Bionicle Reviews Wiki!!!! '] :Yes. I'm enjoying the rumours, and I think it's a great idea! (I've considered doing it in the past, actually). You should definitely do one for your upcoming and unfinished stories. Thanks for the feedback. I'll be sure to do that for some of my other stories, like ''Frozen Calling or Falling in the Black, when I get the chance. :D :[[User:Matoro1|'''Bob]][[User talk:Matoro1|'The']][[User blog:Matoro1|'Doctor']][[w:c:custombionicle:User:Matoro1/Saga Guide|'27']] [http://bioniclereviews.wikia.com We saved the O-Zone Layer, now let's save Bionicle Reviews Wiki!!!! '] Jokes I really, really laughed out loud when I read the "Huna-wearing Ga-Matoran chasing Hewkii" passage xD There were some other passages where I laughed at, but unfortunately I cannot remember them (although I do know they exist). --Aljarreau 13:51, September 12, 2013 (UTC) Ha ha. :P Glad you liked the reference. I always liked Macku, but Hewkii? Not so much. When the Thode reference came, I was like: "OMG OMG ITS THODE!!!!" xDDD --Aljarreau 19:48, September 12, 2013 (UTC) I was trying to build on the image of him being some kind of fallen angel descending from the sky. :P It wasn't too clear so I've rewritten part of it, but I wanted to reference back to the way that the Toa Mata "''fell from the sky." I hope it worked. :D LoganWoerner Review: Vendetta Okay. This is my official review of BobTheDoctor27's short story, Vendetta. This is a nice little bite-sized story that centers around Tollubo, who is hired to acquire money from Sidorak, who has not paid for an accident involving Le-Matoran farmers. After figuring out the plot, I had a pretty easy time keeping track of what was going on. I'm new to the Fractures Universe Storyline, so for most of the first chapter I was just trying to hold all of the information in my head. Vendetta does give an FAU newcomer enough information to understand what is happening, but because of Bobdo's stress on how good of an introductory story this is, more backstory and information on this alternate universe would have been appreciated. I already knew some information about the FAU, so I wasn't lost, but someone else who knows nothing about it may be very lost. I think that not being exposed to Tom's stories has made me like Vendetta even more, though. The fact that Tollubo switched masks was very refreshing. It is unique, and it sets him apart from all the other Toa of Light. The other major characters in the story were described very well, but my favorite were the minor characters. I really enjoy how they each have a personality of their own, especially the Glatorian maid. Her subtle hatred for Sidorak was done very well: “I’m here to see Sidorak,” stated the Toa of Light formally. “Do you have an appointment?” asked the crimson-armored female. “Yes, I do.” “He didn’t tell me.” “He probably forgot,” shrugged Tollubo. “I understand he’s a bit of a jerk.” The Glatorian’s face tensed. Not with shock though. She was fighting a smile. “Who shall I announce?” I love how there was a quiet sort of rebellion about her. The minor characters were really what made the story for me. But let's not forget Tollubo's little experience with Sidorak. I'm pretty sure that everyone who loves BIONICLE loves some good-old Sidorak bashing. He is a horrible person, and always needs to be knocked down a bit. One thing though: I would have rather had Sidorak be thrown off the balcony instead of the water pitcher. I kid, I kid. I would not want to be acquainted with Tollubo, but his sarcastic humor and seeing him making a fool of Sidorak was fun to read. Now, on to the epilogue. I did like the epilogue, but I don't really understand why it was written. It is a well-written chapter, but in my opinion, it didn't really add to the story. Maybe I would have a different opinion about the epilogue if I had read Over Your Shoulder and Frozen Calling first. One thing I did like about it though was Bobdo's description of Vunto's oneness with his weapon. It was very well done. The violence in this chapter was not overdone, and I appreciate that. I don't want to vomit when I read a story, but I also want to know what's going on. You balanced the violence very well, and I am glad. '''Final Verdict: Vendetta is a well-written, bite-sized story that anyone can read. BobTheDoctor27 could have been a little clearer during the introduction, but from then on it was smooth sailing. The characterization was spot-on, and a story can never go wrong with a little bit of Sidorak bashing. The epilogue may not have added to the story much, but I also could be wrong. The two stories preceding this may fill me in. Score: B+ —[[User:LoganWoerner|''Logan]][[User talk:LoganWoerner|Woerner]] (Blog) 17:10, February 24, 2014 (UTC) Thank you very much for your review. :P It's not very often that I get formal feedback on a story and your response will help me to improve ''Vendetta in future redrafts. Rola's rebellious nature as a repressed servant was very-much the affect that I was going for and I appreciate the fact that you selected that particular passage to show this. Her disobedience and lack of willingness are key elements to her role and serve to further undermine Sidorak as a leader who cannot control his servants. I notice you felt that the Epilogue was perhaps a cumbersome addition to the story, and you're right. The story could function perfectly well without it. The reason I included it was to bring Tollubo down to the ground and to remind the reader that he is not a character who is totally in control. He was ignorant to this failed assassination attempt. At the end of Over Your Shoulder he is depicted as a drunken fool, on his last legs of life, heartbroken, and truly devastated. His character in Frozen Calling shows signs of improvement but, at the same time, shows him making a potentially fatal tactical error that only is undone by another character. Vendetta shows Tollubo building his integrity back up after these events, though his status is not wholly repaired due to Thode's involvement. He is not quite fully-independent and he is little-knowing of the other forces at play. Thode ends up outshining him in the Epilogue, which is the main reason why that short addition was added to the end rather than making it a whole third chapter. I'm also very pleased that you enjoyed Tollubo's strangeness. The swapping of a Kanohi was a nostalgic element of BIONICLE that I always felt was overlooked. In a real-world context, the equivalent would probably be changing one's face and taking on the guise of somebody else, which is something I find fascinating. The fact that he can alter himself allows him to defy categorization and also allows me to focus on his internal identity crisis. I'm very pleased that you pointed this out. :P Once again, thank you very much indeed for that feedback! I will heed your advice and it will prove useful in the inevitable future adjustments that I make to the story. Story Rating: Maximum Value of 5. So, this is the first of your stories I've read. No skimming involved. I was going to start with the first of your stories, according to the timeline, though you told me to read this one first, and so I did. So, here's why I scored you with an overall of 4. Your plot: I feel like this plot was a bit simple which is, of course, not a bad thing. However, there didn't seem to be a whole lot going on in this story, as well as the ending seemed to be a bit obvious. Sidorak would obviously give in to Tollubo's persistence. There really were no "bumps in the road". It was well-planned and thought out, I'll give you that, but you really need to execute this with a bit more flair. Your characters: ''' A solid four. Mesa, awesome. reminds me of one my own characters. Sidorak was interesting for me. He's still the weakling he was even in the Prime reality. Tollubo was fine, as Toa go. I think you tried to give him a softer side for his allies, and a tougher, more roguish side for dealing with others. '''Syntax: '''Just one or two typos, nothing much, really. There you have it! An average score of four. Not bad at all. McF4rtson!!! '''TwinkieCraft is back. IP:24.207.71.100